Unacknowledged Grief is…………….. everywhere
On the news, lurking at the edges of webinars, in the different ways of connecting in these days of sheltering, I see and feel grief.
Not just my own, but also that of others – many others.
Seeing violent actions, angry men with guns and hearing the question “Why?” it feels like the only way they know how to express their feelings – their unacknowledged grief.
Arriving in New York years ago and forming my early impressions of American machismo, I learned that for men to acknowledge their feelings (except for anger) was to be judged weak, unmanly, worse. Coming from a Caribbean culture, this was quite foreign to me. Parents started early by telling their little sons “Boys don’t cry!” The message then is reinforced by institutions- schools, military corporations, trainings, the media, businesses on into adulthood – and parenthood.The cycle continues. I watched my father (British, career military and engineer.Triple whammy!) struggle with his emotions, try to blunt them with alcohol, and eventually to die at a young age of a broken heart (cardiac). I have two daughters, one lets you know how she feels, the other married a man who is comfortable with feelings.(and I questioned him how that comfort endured through out his life)
Those of us who have worked in the fields associated with death and dying* – the ultimate grief – learned and witnessed the effects of Unacknowledged Grief:
- Despair- helplessness, hopelessness
- Anger- leading to judging and blaming
- Denial – it doesn’t exist, it’s a lie, a conspiracy
- Bargaining – quid pro quo – if I do this, it will get better.
Click on the link for a diagram (based on the work of*Kubler-Ross and * Kessler) from my presentation about the Climate Crisis.
These patterns are evident everywhere we turn.
Despair (in photographs in the media of bereaved families, of bankrupt farmers)Diagram Grief
Denial (e.g. politicians and Covid19, and climate crisis) and this can lead us into despair;
Anger (that includes circular process of judging, blaming and attacking others) and leads us to depression, despair;
Bargaining (if I apologize, drive an electric car etc, or offer bargaining prayers, it will make a big difference);
It’s only with Acceptance of our grief – of the death of what we knew before – can we move into taking action to make changes. (Kessler)
Sharing our grief connects us with others and gives our innate creativity a chance to formulate solutions and strategies. I learned this from working with activists, Joanna Macy and John Seed in Despair and Empowerment Groups.
I once told a man that I was afraid to cry because there were so many tears in me that they would wash me away. He, who had lost his son to suicide, gently told me that tears cleanse, they don’t wash us away. This kind of fear can stop us from grieving.
I recently “fell apart” and spent the day crying for all the people I love who had died or had, and still are, suffering trauma.
Another way I have is to draw or paint it
I wanted to make this baby multi-racial because I feel
Unacknowledged Grief is…………….. everywhere
On the news, lurking at the edges of webinars, the different ways of connecting in these days of sheltering, I see and feel grief. Not just my own but also that of others – many others.
When I see violent actions, angry men with guns holding government offices hostage and hear the question “Why?” it feels like their unacknowledged grief.
Arriving in New York years ago and my early impressions of American machismo, I learned that for men to acknowledge their feelings (except for anger) was to be judged weak, unmanly. Coming from a Caribbean culture this was quite foreign to me. Parents started early by telling their little sons “Boys don’t cry!” The message then is reinforced by institutions- schools, military corporations, trainings, the media and businesses on into adulthood – and parenthood.The cycle continues. I watched my father (British, career military and engineer.Triple whammy!) struggle with his emotions, try to blunt them with alcohol, and eventually to die at a young age of a broken heart (cardiac).
Those of us who have worked in the fields associated with death and dying* – the ultimate grief – learned and witnessed how Unacknowledged Grief leads to :
- Despair- helplessness, hopelessness
- Anger- leading to judging and blaming
- Denial – it doesn’t exist, it’s a lie, a conspiracy
- Bargaining – quid pro quo – if I do this, it will get better.
Click on the link for a diagram (based on the work of*Kubler-Ross and * Kessler) from my presentation about the Climate Crisis.
These patterns are evident everywhere we turn.
Despair (in photographs in the media of bereaved families, of bankrupt farmers)
Denial (e.g. politicians and Covid19, and climate crisis) and this can lead us into despair;
Anger (that includes circular process of judging, blaming and attacking others) and leads us to depression, despair;
Bargaining (if I apologize, drive an electric car etc, or offer bargaining prayers, it will make a big difference);
It’s only with Acceptance of our grief – of the death of what we knew before – can we move into taking action to make changes. (Kessler)
Sharing our grief connects us with others and gives our innate creativity a chance to formulate solutions and strategies. I learned this from working with activists, Joanna Macy and John Seed in Despair and Empowerment Groups.
I once told a man that I was afraid to cry because there were so many tears in me that they would wash me away. He, who had lost his son to suicide, gently told me that tears cleanse, they don’t wash us away. This kind of fear can stop us from grieving. I recently “fell apart” and spent the day crying for all the people I love who had died or had, and still are suffering trauma.
Another way I have to express my feelings is through art-making
I wanted to make this baby multi-racial because I feel connected to other mothers
According to Kessler, Meaning comes in time. It arises when we find it in us and in the actions we take.
How do we help each other to acknowledge our grief? What ideas do you have, Patient Reader?
BE SAFE!